remembering…

just remembering this time my granny–for whatever reason–decided to treat me to anywhere i wanted to go to eat…i told her i wanted to go to big boy’s, and that it was on jefferson. as she looked for it, i fell asleep in the car…an hour or more later i woke up and she was still driving, apologizing to me that she hadn’t found it…right then we came up on the restaurant…i pointed to it and said “there it is!”…she hadn’t known what it was, because it just said “Elias’ Brothers” on the front…
i always felt so bad afterwards for how frustrated she must have felt, looking for something & not being able to find it…and driving around so long…but grateful too because now i can look back & remember how my granny made sure i knew she loved me…

i really miss her…but glad she was in my life for as long as she was.

i remember not too long before she died, sitting in the sitting room in her house after church one sunday, and leaning my head in her lap while she patted my shoulder, and my mom & aunt gaynell were talking…

or when i was younger, how i used to like to play in her hair, and she used to always tell me “don’t put no plaits in my hair” and i used to braid it anyway…

or watching some real life version of “the exorcist” on 20/20, and granny telling me i was gon be scared, and watching it anyway…and then dashing around the house from light to light and her saying “i told you…”

or when i was really little, sleeping in the bed with her and trying real hard not to kick her…

how she always had food for me, drinking coffee with her in the morning, eggs, toast, sausage patties or red links, grits…juice from concentrate…watermelon or cantaloupe or honey dew melons, strawberries…bananas in the cereal…butter beans, collards, cornbread, pound cakes, lemon cakes, 7 up cakes, peach cobbler, & banana pudding from scratch…i remember how pretty the flowers in her yard looked…how when i was in pre-school or kindergarten, i got a radish seed as my “toy” in a happy meal once, and granny made sure it grew…and then chopped it up for me and put it in a salad for me…i can still taste my first radish.

i remember her telling me the only people to give some “sugar” to were my parents & grandparents…and that they could kiss me on the cheek or the forehead but no where else. she told me to be a help to my mother, to respect my father, to be grateful for my accomplishments & talents but never prideful…to give people the benefit of the doubt…that loving someone means being able to forgive, & not judge…

i had written my granny a letter once…
right before she died i was supposed to have written her another letter…i never got around to it…

i saw her a week before she died, a sudden compulsion to go home for easter sunday. after church everyone came to my parents’ house for easter dinner…i didn’t spend much time with her that sunday, but i had just turned 20 a few weeks before and granny wanted to make sure i knew that i was grown now…and that i had cab fare to get from the airport back to campus once i got to new york; she gave me cab fare every time i came home from school. one of those nice things i both really appreciated yet never showed enough appreciation for.

when i got back to new york, i went almost a week without calling her which was weird for me. i think once that week i had called and the phone was busy & never got around to calling back.

the following sunday, when i got a call from granny’s number at 8am i thought it was weird because my granny was not an early riser & i was knocked out from having gone out the previous night, but i was happy to hear from her so i cheerfully answered “hi granny!” then i heard my mom’s voice saying “no, it’s not your granny”…and i knew something was very wrong. when she told me granny had died, i think i collapsed. fresh grief is a mixture of disbelief, fear, hurt, & great regret.

it’s been 6 years now, but sometimes i really do get sad. i miss having a granny in my life. but i’m thankful to have an “aint” rose, who is a granny herself, and was my granny’s sister-in-law as well as one of her close friends.

i really really miss my granny…
so many things i wish she was still around for, questions i wish i could ask…

she was even the 1st Christian person i knew, who i was able to tell how my beliefs had changed & that the whole jesus story was problematic for me…& of all things, she quoted scripture to affirm me & said that as long as i believed in God that was what was important. she said that to me when my own mother told me i was going to hell if i didn’t change my beliefs.